A pastor, apparently disgusted with the excuses parishioners offered as to why they didn’t attend worship services, included “Reasons Why I Never Wash” in the Sunday bulletin:
- I was forced to as a child.
- People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everybody else.
- There are so many different kinds of soap; I can’t decide which one is best.
- I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
- I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
- None of my friends wash.
- I’ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
- I can’t spare the time.
- The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
- People who make soap are only after your money.
- I don’t like the songs people sing in the bathroom.
- I can clean myself perfectly well whenever I pass a sink, so I don’t need a bathtub.
- I know how to stay clean without washing.
- The last time I washed, someone was rude to me.
- What I do doesn’t affect anybody but me.
- I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad.
- I don’t believe in soap. I sat beside a whole case of it for an hour once, and nothing happened.
- Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science.
- If people saw me without my makeup, they would laugh at me.
- I’m so dirty now that if I washed, the drain would clog.
- Cats, dogs, and chickens never wash, and they are happy all the time.
- Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty.
- If I start washing again, my friends will think I am trying to conform to middle-class standards.
- Washing is for women and children.
- Washing is for people much dirtier than I am.
- I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me.
- I only believe in things I can see, and I can’t see bacteria.
- Children need to see that it is OK to be different.
- Children need a few bad examples.
- Washing may have been OK in my grandfather’s day, but it’s not practical in today’s world.
- I watch other people washing on TV.
- There are lots of clean people who never wash.
- We’ve just moved here six years ago and I haven’t had a chance.
- I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again!
- I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom.
- I never wash when I have company.
- Washday is the only day I have to sleep in.
- My wife washes enough for the whole family.
- I know people who wash but don’t act very clean.
- Washing is the opiate of the masses.