Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither works.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
When you're dissatisfied and want to go back to your youth, remember algebra.
One thing nobody says about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of Congress?
And my personal favorite: "Some people try to turn back their odometers and look younger. Not me! I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long distance, and some of the roads weren't paved."