Sunday, September 28, 2014

40 reasons not to attend church?

A pastor, apparently disgusted with the excuses parishioners offered as to why they didn’t attend worship services, included “Reasons Why I Never Wash” in the Sunday bulletin:
  • I was forced to as a child.
  • People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everybody else.
  • There are so many different kinds of soap; I can’t decide which one is best.
  • I used to wash, but I got bored and stopped.
  • I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
  • None of my friends wash.
  • I’ll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
  • I can’t spare the time.
  • The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
  • People who make soap are only after your money.
  • I don’t like the songs people sing in the bathroom.
  • I can clean myself perfectly well whenever I pass a sink, so I don’t need a bathtub.
  • I know how to stay clean without washing.
  • The last time I washed, someone was rude to me.
  • What I do doesn’t affect anybody but me.
  • I know someone who washes every day and still smells bad.
  • I don’t believe in soap. I sat beside a whole case of it for an hour once, and nothing happened.
  • Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science.
  • If people saw me without my makeup, they would laugh at me.
  • I’m so dirty now that if I washed, the drain would clog.
  • Cats, dogs, and chickens never wash, and they are happy all the time.
  • Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty.
  • If I start washing again, my friends will think I am trying to conform to middle-class standards.
  • Washing is for women and children.
  • Washing is for people much dirtier than I am.
  • I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me.
  • I only believe in things I can see, and I can’t see bacteria.
  • Children need to see that it is OK to be different.
  • Children need a few bad examples.
  • Washing may have been OK in my grandfather’s day, but it’s not practical in today’s world. 
  • I watch other people washing on TV.
  • There are lots of clean people who never wash.
  • We’ve just moved here six years ago and haven’t had a chance.
  • I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again!
  • I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom.
  • I never wash when I have company.
  • Washday is the only day I have to sleep in.
  • My wife washes enough for the whole family
  • I know people who wash but don’t act very clean.
  • Washing is the opiate of the masses.

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